A Field Guide to the Jewish People by Dave Barry

Author:Dave Barry
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Flatiron Books

THE BATTLE OF JERICHO

After the death of Moses, G-d told Joshua to lead the Israelites across the Jordan River to the Promised Land and vowed that He would assure victories in all future battles as long as they obeyed His laws. “As I was with Moses, so I will be with thee. I will not fail thee or forsake thee” (Joshua 1:5).

Joshua, who recognized a good deal when he saw one, sent two spies to Jericho to investigate the territory—sort of like how the New England Patriots have been said to secretly film other NFL teams’ practices.

While in Jericho the spies came upon a harlot named Rahab (aka Stormy Rahab), who hid them in her home to ensure their safety from the king, who had heard about Israel’s recent successes and was less than thrilled. The flow of the Jordan River temporarily stopped, allowing Joshua and the Israelites, led by a team of priests carrying the Ark of the Covenant, to cross to the other side, where the men were able to prepare for the upcoming battle by performing the prebattle ritual of circumcision.

Now exactly why altering the shape of a soldier’s penis was part of this routine rather than, let’s say, a hearty prewar breakfast has been the subject of great debate among rabbis through the ages. Some feel a finely sculpted member induces pride and confidence in military men, while others insist that the removal of the foreskin makes the soldiers that much lighter, allowing them to run faster if they should find themselves in retreat.

Either way, Joshua led his army as they fought the battle of Jericho, Jericho, Jericho and the walls came tumbling down.

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